This is a rather long sharing about my journey with souls before they are born into this world. I know some people aren’t sure if this is real or if they can exist before being born here, but this is based on my experience of knowing and feeling these children with me. And having to be honest about the fact that I really would like to have 2 children.
So, this past month, I found out I was pregnant during a 70+ day cycle. I have been in the process of looking at my health and evaluating things to see if I would be able to handle a pregnancy again. We have talked about alternate means to parenting as I had a really rough pregnancy with my first child and I felt so weak after the birth that it was hard to do the “heavy lifting” that is required when you have a newborn. Yes. They are small, but they really require a lot of carrying around and if you have auto-immune issues or shoulder/back pain, this can be a real source of stress when you are faced with suddenly caring for an infant all the time. So, I started to ask myself if I was willing to go through this all again or if maybe another route to having a second child was a better idea. But, one thing I know is this - there is a soul that is wanting to come into our family who has been hanging around me for a long time. And, I have struggled with whether to say “yes” or “no” to figuring out how to bring her into this world. (More about that later.)
I just happened to get a sample of PROOV - progesterone tests to try out for a review. I figured I would wait for my period to come to try them out on the next cycle when I would start charting again as well. When I got to day 54 of my cycle with no sign of a period, I thought I should take a pregnancy test. That was negative, so then I figured - I should try out the PROOV test also to see if I had ovulated or not. The PROOV test (which measures progesterone levels) came up negative, so that told me that I hadn’t ovulated. OK, so I figured it was just a really crazy long cycle. Then the next week, when my period still hadn’t come I took both tests again. I saw a positive on the pregnancy test, and the PROOV test came up positive meaning my progesterone was high enough to be in a normal range for post ovulation/pregnancy.
It was reassuring that even if my ovulation was delayed, that at least I am producing a good level of progesterone.
In the week of being pregnant, I tuned in and decided to take it easy. I was taking a 20 hour a week Swedish course, but I missed a few days that week as I just felt I needed to rest. I also spent time journaling and doing a sound healing practice that I will be teaching in my upcoming program “Courageous Pregnancy”. It was something new I just added into the program in the past month and it was so helpful to me. I wasn’t worried about the future, just enjoying the feelings of pregnancy as they were.
When I started to bleed, the weight of previous losses started to crowd in on me. I let myself be taken to the place of sorrow and tears, but I also allowed myself to be open to the wisdom that might come through during that physical pain and emotional reminder of other losses. Memories were flooding my mind. I simply took the time to grieve and be aware and when I got a negative pregnancy test the next day, I was able to observe all my feelings without feeling overwhelmed by them.
This loss feels so different than those when I was trying to conceive years ago with a previous partner. I think one thing is that I have allowed my intuitive side a chance to really blossom in the past year, and this enabled me to be in tune with a spirit baby and know that I don’t have to say goodbye when I have had a pregnancy loss - she is still with me as she has been with me for the past several years already.
And the other thing that is so different now is that I have a supportive partner who loves me unconditionally. And, he was equally at home in making plans for another child and equally at home with being content and happy with the child we do have in our house. He also doesn’t understand my intuitive connection with souls, but he respects that and asks me questions about it. It is really beautiful to be seen and heard as the intuitive woman I truly am.
But, one amazing experience was while I was not really knowing what would happen, I took a nap and when I woke up, I looked out my window and the clouds seemed to form in a shape of a heart, right in the center of where I was looking.
I went down the hallway to get my camera so I could capture the moment. And I heard a voice in my head saying, “I’ll be back.” I felt so reassured that this little girl soul was going to come back to me some way or somehow.
I also had a profound experience where I felt both my grandparents (who have died in the past few years) come and lay hands on my belly and pray over me. I was very close to both of them before they moved beyond this life and I used to take them in my car to church each Sunday and then after my grandpa died, I spent many hours a week with my grandma for a period of about 8 months before I moved to Sweden. I was grateful for all the times shared. I learned so many stories about my dad’s childhood and their faith journeys and about their marriage lessons learned after 73 years together.
So when I say I have known this little soul to be with me for a long time, what did I mean?
I think my first child's soul was with me for a really long time, through a previous marriage, infertility, and divorce. After that previous relationship ended, I felt so much that this soul was guiding me and I would often talk to him and tell him that he could have a deciding vote in who his father would be. I still had my intense longing for a child and wondered how and when it would happen, but I also had this reassurance that things somehow would come together. I was open to many different paths to parenthood and was considering all the options. I simply knew I had to meet this little soul somewhere. When I started to date my now-husband, Mattias, what drew us together was a vision for a child. I told him that I wanted to become a single mom by choice. And he told me that he very much wanted to also have a child. As we started to date online (having met on the dance floor several years prior) Mattias told me he had this really strong feeling he would have a girl someday. And I told him, I felt I would have a boy. I was sure that no matter what child showed up in my arms if I was told I would be their mamma - I was going to love that child. So, it didn’t matter to me whether it was a boy or a girl. But, I was very attached to this little soul that had been hanging out with me for a few years at that point. So, I kind of gave it up to God and said, “Yes” to being in this relationship.
After a few months of dating Mattias, there was a day where I was sitting in the book store and I felt so clearly - this little girl soul’s presence with me. She came over and wanted to crawl in my lap and have me read her a book. I felt her so strongly. From that point, I thought that maybe the boy I had dreamed about had moved on or wasn’t around me anymore (or maybe I just didn’t notice as much).
And when I got pregnant 5 months after moving to Sweden, we prepared for our little boy to enter the world. But, what I wasn’t prepared for was nearly right after his birth, I started to feel this little girl again. I thought I had simply given up on her and that I was only allowed one child because when you wish for a child for 10 years and your body struggles through pregnancy and birth - I started to believe that was all I could handle. Maybe I believed that I had already been blessed and I shouldn’t ask for more. I’m not sure, but I just know I couldn’t picture having another child with my stressful music teaching job and my son having more emotional demands than most from about age 1-2.
But, despite having made a rational choice with my husband to limit our family to 1 child, I continued to have this deep longing for a second child. This little girl kept coming in my thoughts and hanging out and prompting me to think over and over about it. I journaled and asked myself if I could handle it and wondered if I might feel I was missing out if I didn’t have this child. And I also thought of all the good logical reasons to only have one child.
But, as most people know, family size is not always a completely logical decision. I know that we have room in our hearts for another child and that we have a lot of love to give to this world. So, I realized some of my hesitations were fear-based. I thought I had let go and moved on, but I did a podcast with Sprit Baby Medium- Kelly Meehan and she mentioned to me afterward that this girl was hanging around me and very insistent that she needed to talk to me. (She also told me she was playing the piano - which sounds about right for my family.) I again tried to set that aside and simply be happy with our family. -This summer, I saw a holistic doctor that gave me a new perspective on health challenges for both my son and me. We both started on some new supplements and I have been feeling better and my son is not acting out so much and that’s when this fall I said to my husband that maybe we should think again about having a second child.
So, yes, it’s true I have recently been through a loss, but I also have so much hope. I also have a peace that my husband and my child are simply beautiful souls that I am so privileged to have in my life. So, whether our daughter only exists in the spirit realm or she comes to us as a child, either way, I have peace about it.